Local Bison wonders why vegans such whiny bitches

IOWA-Lying under the shade of a bur oak tree on a hot afternoon, an American bison, or buffalo, wondered aloud why vegans had become such whiny bitches lately.

“Is it just me, or has this gotten out of hand?” said the 2,000-pound adult bull, of the diet-restricting martyrs who enjoy making other people miserable.  “Look, I’m a vegetarian.  But I evolved that way.  I don’t get to choose my food.  You think I like eating grasses and sedges?  If I had well-developed canines, I’d rip the flesh off the next asshat who tried to cram me into a car trunk.”

Pausing to chew its cud, the large bovine continued its diatribe against sanctimonious herbivores.

“I know you think you’re doing this for my sake, but I can take care of myself.  I have horns the size of your arm.  I weigh as much as a small car.  I can run 30 mph.  You cry when Whole Foods runs out coconut milk ice cream.”

Grunting loudly, the national mammal of the United States shook its head.

“And let’s get something straight: I wallow in mud to stay cool.  You “wallow” in self-righteous douchebaggery when someone offers you a chocolate chip cookie.  There’s a difference.”

“Oh, you made this with eggs?  *sigh* I hope they’re at least cage-free.”

America’s largest mammal stood to rejoin the herd.

“My species was nearly hunted to extinction.  Sixty million of us–gone in a century.  That’s a social justice issue.  Not the dining hall serving Jello.”

Later that week, it was confirmed the bison had been slaughtered and stuffed so elementary school students could learn to appreciate the majestic animals.

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