Distinguished bird biologist fears ‘in too deep’ to admit birds actually suck

AMES-Following a ceremony celebrating his 50-year career of ground-breaking bird research, renowned birder Dr. Walter Carrington admitted he may be in too deep to acknowledge birds actually suck.

“I’ve dedicated 2/3 of my life to studying the distribution and ecological needs of countless species.  It’s probably too late to confess that birds are pretty stupid, right?”

Carrington, former Director of the Cornell Lab of Ornithology and current President of the Iowa Ornithologist’s Union, appeared distressed by decades of researching relatively worthless animals.

“I really wanted to be a large mammal biologist, but do you know how competitive the field is?  I took an avian ecology fellowship in grad school when nothing else panned out, and kind of got pigeon-holed from there.”

Peering through a nearby window, the celebrated author of over 63 peer-reviewed publications paused to observe a pointless vertebrate flying by.

“It’s an American Avocet.  This is far outside their normal range.”

Slowly removing his binoculars, Dr. Carrington sighed.

“Ah, what’s the fucking point?”

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