DES MOINES-Setting aside their differences to call an emergency press conference, local animals of all varieties expressed being scared shitless by the recent influx of pissed-off Pokémon.
“I was just minding my own business, when all of a sudden this giant purple rat pops out of nowhere and tackles the fuck out of me.” said a visibly shaken bobcat. “Then he started to whip me with his tail, which didn’t actually hurt. But you can bet your ass it lowered my defenses.”
Nodding in agreement, the other animals echoed the bobcat’s assertion that Pokémon are terrifying, illogical creatures which defy nature.
“My partner tried to eat one of the yellow, mouse-looking ones.” Whimpered an hysterical barred owl. “Then it sneezed and electrocuted him into a black, smoldering ash heap.” Hyperventilating, the barred owl began shaking. “The image haunts me day and night. These sins against nature will destroy us all.”
After much coaxing, the collection of fauna convinced a sobbing opossum to share her horror story.
“Last week, I met the most handsome opossum. His fur was immaculate…and those dark, beady eyes…” The opossum’s voice choked, as she fought back tears. “I thought I had finally met Mr. Right… and I was entering heat…” Wailing uncontrollably, her composure crumbed. “We mated…and after…he turned… into… SLIME…PINK SLIIIIIIIIME!”
Trying to comfort the opossum, a painted turtle stepped in to speak on her behalf. “The other opossums cast her out. And her children…” He shivered. “I shudder to think of those monsters.”
Before the turtle could continue, a massive-winged creature appeared, burning the animals alive with an explosion of fire from its mouth. A young boy heard their screams and ran over, finding a mortifying scene of charred corpses and gore.
“Oh. My. God. A CHARIZARD!”