RUNNELLS-In a major blow to the local economy, Runnells City Hall reported Wednesday the city’s GDP had contracted by nearly two-thirds this quarter. Economists suggest the loss is tied to the recent move of two 20-somethings from the Runnells area.
“We didn’t realize how important these kids were until they left.” Said Runnells Mayor Jerry Lane, who was visiting Casey’s General Store to buy scratch-offs. “Normally we get asshats who buy chapstick and WD-40 to break a $100, but things have definitely changed.” The local Casey’s noticed a substantial rise in pizza sales when the female 20-something took a part-time job. Prior, the store’s primary sellers had been Fireball-brand whiskey and Busch Light 30-packs.
The feeling was echoed at the Runnells Library, where board member Tammy Enos was still processing the loss. “We’d go days without anyone visiting. Then this young girl walks in, and within hours residents of ten plus years are walking in, commenting how they never knew this was a library.” Taking a sip of her coffee, Tammy continued. “We saw a slight dip when this weirdo wearing a sling started coming in, but the trend is ultimately up.”
More popular establishments also noticed better business with the young residents. Cliff King, owner of Runnells Inn, praised the boom the young blood brought.
“We’d get the same guys in here day after day, ordering the same thing.” Said Cliff, who ignored a 20-something timidly trying to order from the bar. “All of a sudden this girl walks in, and people take notice and start buying more drinks. It was great.”
Sighing, Cliff shook his head. “I don’t know what we’ll do without those two.”
“Don’t worry, Cliff,” said the 20-something seated at the bar. “I still visit on weekends.”
Cliff waved his hand dismissively at the man.
“Who the hell are you?”