ALTOONA-In a move political scientists are calling “an olive branch to Senate Democrats,” President Donald Trump announced Thursday night his nomination of a petting zoo goat to undisclosed cabinet leadership positions.
“He’s THE best pick.” Said President Trump during the evening press conference. “He’s so good, I’m not even sure what agency he should lead. It might be two. I don’t know.”
Amy Klobuchar, Senate Democrat and a vocal critic of President Trump’s past nominees, showed strong support for the goat’s nomination.
“Finally, President Trump shows he is capable of cabinet picks that go beyond conservative posturing. This nominee is a welcome break from the President’s highly questionable usual candidates.”
The goat, whom President Trump met at Happy Acres Petting Zoo and Corn Maze during a brief break while campaigning, is little known outside his home state of Iowa.
“Billy is a hometown kid.” Said Carl Adkins, owner of Happy Acres and the goat’s lifetime employer. “He was born here two years ago, and has been a hit ever since.”
Carl paused momentarily, spitting tobacco into a Busch Light can.
“Wanna feed him?”
Billy is seen by many as a political outsider without the baggage of career candidates. His confirmation hearing is expected to be substantially less divisive than those of President Trump’s other nominees.
“He’s relatively new to the political arena, so there aren’t many skeletons that could come up during the hearing.” Said longtime Republican Senator John McCain. “He seemed to be thinking of headbutting Ben Carson the other day. But honestly, who hasn’t thought of that?”
While unassuming, political experts warn that Billy is not without controversy.
“His thought processes are much like Donald Trump’s,” said UC-Berkley professor of political science Dr. Richard Maikov, “but he has also demonstrated a willingness break with the President’s policies.”
Last week, members of the Des Moines Women’s March confronted Billy with a list of Trump’s “First 100 Days” priorities, demanding to know if he would support them. In a move made viral through social media, Billy grabbed the list and began eating it.
“That kind of defiance could energize Moderates,” said Dr. Maikov, “if any actually existed.”
Congressional hearings are scheduled to resume next week, with Billy’s hearing beginning Wednesday morning.