Bible Thoughts I Don’t Share at Bible Study #2

Jesus is Tested in the Wilderness

Luke 4:3 – The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”

Seems legit.

Luke 4:9-11 – The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written:  ‘He will command his angels concerning you  to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”

Did Satan just quote scripture?

*Looks up passage*

He did!  He quoted Psalm 91:10-11!

Glad to hear Satan is well-read.

Jesus Rejected at Nazareth

Luke 4:20 – Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down.

Mic drop.

Luke 4:28-30 – All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

I don’t get it.  If he’s the one they’re chasing to the end of the cliff, how the hell did he walk right through the crowd and go on his way?  Is this an easter egg miracle? Can you have an easter egg if easter wasn’t a thing yet?

Jesus Drives Out an Impure Spirit

Luke 4:33 – In the synagogue there was a man possessed by a demon, an impure spirit. He cried out at the top of his voice, “Go away! What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!”

Did anyone else read the demon’s voice as Jack Black?

Jesus Heals Many

Luke 4:38-39 – Jesus left the synagogue and went to the home of Simon. Now Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Jesus to help her.  So he bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them.

So he bent over her and whispered, “More cowbell.”

Luke 4:42-43 At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them. But he said, “I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.”

This reminds me of the scene from “Jesus Christ: Superstar.”


“One of the things I’m looking forward to in heaven is being able to see the Bible in real time.”     -Veggie Tales

“Like a movie?” -J-Tay

“Yeah!” -Veggie Tales

Everyone will just bitch that the book was better.


“The desert wasn’t the only time Jesus was tempted.” – J-Tay

Here’s lookin’ at you, Mary Magdalene.


“Have you heard of people who color-code passages in their Bible?” -Veggie Tales

I just spill different crap on mine.

Washington D.C.

I flew into Washington D.C. this week for work.  Okay, work was actually in West Virginia, but I had a 6 hour layover due to a delayed flight and missed shuttle.  This initially annoyed me, but then I remembered I had never been to Washington D.C. before.  I started doing the math. Dullis International Airport is only a 30-minute drive from the National Mall; an hour by bus.

Layover be damned–I could have a mini vacation!  So I got a bus schedule, grabbed my luggage and hopped on the metro.


The 5A picks up from Dullis, although you wouldn’t know that from the bus.  “Not In Service” showed on the sign.  I curiously approached the bus driver.

“Is this the 5A?”

You’d think I asked the driver if bears shit in the woods.  With clear annoyance in his voice, he pointed to the bus shelter sign outside.  “According to that sign it is.”

I considered mentioning that HIS sign said nothing of the sort, but figured this man wasn’t interested in logic.  Oh well, a few other passengers mentioned how pissed the guy was, so I didn’t take it personally.  Besides, I was on my way to D.C.


After about 40 minutes on the bus, I made it to Rosslyn station.  It was now time to take the metro!

The ticket purchasing was confusing as hell.  Looking back, it seemed efficient if you knew what you were doing.  But since I’d never bought a subway pass before, I was pretty lost.  I managed to put three dollars on a metro card, figuring I only needed to go one stop east.  If that cost more than three dollars, I had bigger problems.

It cost $2.15.


Into the abyss!  The escalator was extremely long, to the point where 20 seconds in I decided to pull out my phone and shakily take a photo (all while not looking too touristy).


Okay, so I didn’t get a picture of the subway.  In my defense, a train came a few seconds after the escalator ended.  I made the quick decision to jump on.  It was surprisingly crowded for 2-something pm on a Tuesday.  But as luck would have it, I got on the correct train and made it one stop east to Foggy Bottom Station.  I was greeted by another escalator and bright sunlight.


Foggy Bottom Station is right outside “The” George Washington University.  Why am I emphasizing “the?”  Because every damn sign, sweatshirt and statue did.  I think I’m going to start “A” George Washington University.

AGWU: Definite Quality.  Indefinite Article.


Fun fact: Foggy Bottom Station is about 0.9 miles from the National Mall, which is where I was headed.  They should have named it “soggy  bottom,” because you sweat your ass off walking to the Mall.  I had all my luggage with me, so a normally easy walk turned into a damn death march, not to mention I looked ridiculous.  Oh well, THE George Washington University campus was scenic, and I could see the fruits of my labor in the distance.


I picked up some litter while visiting D.C.  Which means my two hours at the Capital were more productive than a month of the Trump Administration.

Your move, Donnie.


At long last!  A beautiful view of the Washington Monument.


My first destination was the Lincoln Memorial, which I knew was at the west end of the Mall.  How did I know?  Fallout 3.  Although there were less super mutants than I anticipated.

If you don’t get that reference, it’s probably a good thing.


Okay, I’m actually a huge Lincoln nerd.  It’d be false to say I know everything about the man or idolize him, but in terms of historical figures, he’s up there in my book.

“Now he belongs to the ages.”

Indeed.  There’s a reason “Lincoln” is synonymous with luxury vehicles and building blocks, while “Booths” are things people fart on while eating bottomless pancakes.


The Gettysburg Address: proof politicians once wrote beautiful, succinct speeches and should be held to such standards.


The view from the top of the Lincoln Memorial stairs.

I don’t consider myself patriotic, and despise faux patriotism.  But I honestly felt proud to be standing on those steps.


You know I like a place if I take a selfie.  You know even more if dozens of people are around as witnesses.  I didn’t care.  I was inspired.


My grandpa fought in Korea, although he never talked about it.  He did mention once how a friend got an infection from not cleaning a wound properly.  How did this come up?  I was pretending to be a cat and licking myself.

I was five, if that makes you feel better.


I think Korea is easily forgotten.  IN WWII, we were fighting evil Nazis and avenging Pearl Harbor.  In Vietnam, we experienced a counter-culture critical of traditional war-time nationalism.  What did we do in Korea?


Answer: die.  54k Americans dead to suppress the “domino-effect of communism”?  What a waste.


The Jefferson Memorial, complete with Canada Geese swimming the Tidal Basin.


I had to veer off-course a bit to see the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial, but damn was it worth it.  We need the wisdom of this brave man more than ever.


Well said, Dr. King.


What do you do when it is 60-something degrees in Washington D.C.?  Apparently play ultimate Frisbee on the Mall.


What do JFK and hockey have in common?  These fields, which are managed by the National Park Service.  Which seems weird, but also awesome.  Imagine JFK calling a hockey game.  I’d pay to hear that.


The World War II Memorial.  That’s all I’ve got.


Sorry, you’re getting animal photos with this post.  Even worse, you’re getting patriotic puns.

This Robin is a true American.


An Eastern Grey Squirrel, fat from what I imagine is a steady diet of tourist leftovers.


A mixed flock of European Starlings and Red-winged blackbirds.  Fun fact: European Starlings aren’t native—they were brought to the U.S. by Eugene Schieffelin, who wanted to assimilate birds mentioned in Shakespeare’s plays.  In 1890, he released 60 birds.  A little over 100 years later, they are one of the most abundant species in the U.S., numbering over 200 million.

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

—A Midsummer Night’s Dream


The black birds with their wings spread out?  Double-crested Cormorants.  They do that to dry their feathers.  The whitish birds on the left and right are Ring-billed Gulls, probably the most common gull species in the U.S. (you may see them fighting over scraps in fast food parking lots).  The birds in the middle are a mix of Ring-necked and Northern Shoveler Ducks.


Always happy to see waterfowl.  They are severely lacking in Iowa.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here: the ducks in the forefront are Ring-necked Ducks (judging from their color and diving behavior), and the ones in the back are Northern Shovelers (based on the broad bills and dabbling).

I’ve still got it!


A mix of Canada Geese and Mallard Ducks in the Constitution Gardens.

Funny that the Garden designer wanted the Constitution associated with “living” things.  Maybe Supreme Court Justices should take notice.


I love Sycamore trees, and the Mall is a great place to see some beautiful ones.  Notice the iconic camouflage pattern of the bark.


One thing that annoyed me about the Mall was the lack of female recognition.  I did find this memorial to nurses during the Vietnam era, but even found that lacking.  Why does it have to be about war?  Make a statue of a woman standing, and call it the “Women Standing up to Centuries of Bullshit” memorial.



Nurse one: “Don’t worry, we’re here to save you!”

Nurse two: “Why does that helicopter say “Agent Orange?”


Fun fact: owls regurgitate things like fur and bones they can’t digest into condensed balls called “pellets.”  This was too large to be from an owl.  My guess?  A Cormorant pellet.


The Vietnam Memorial.  They seem too cheery to be commemorating Vietnam.


The lawn was filled with these strange spiky balls, which are actually seeds from the Sycamore tree.


While attempting to return to the airport, I took the wrong metro.  I started to get worried, knowing I had limited time to make in back for my 7 pm shuttle to West Virginia.  I caught the final bus with about 5 seconds to spare.  Somebody was looking out for me.


I only spent a few hours in D.C., but they were amazingly memorable hours.  I’m no history buff, and never saw much value in bleeding evocations of ‘Merican nationalism.  But there was something special about visiting the Mall.  I felt more patriotic than I ever have in my life.  Seeing so many people come together to enshrine the values of freedom, equality and democracy was truly inspiring.  It gave me hope that maybe the Republic isn’t as fucked as it might seem.

That being said, we need to fight for it.  That doesn’t mean you have to join the army and tote a rifle.  It means do your part, whatever that may be.  Smile at your neighbor.  Volunteer.  Protest.  Crop dust a racist.  Do whatever you can with your talents.

Because the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men (and women) to do nothing.

Edmund Burke said that.  Not bad for an Irishman with a wig.

I said that.

Wing Nutt Brewing Company

Remember when I used to do brewery reviews?  Me neither.  I think it’s been a solid 8 months since I last reviewed Boone Valley.  Which is just wrong.

I’d like to right that wrong today.  As luck would have it, I live about five minutes from a brewery in Altoona.  While I’ve already been to this brewery a couple times, I have yet to write about it.  So here we go!

Establishment: Wing Nutt Brewing Company

Location: 480 Center Pl, Altoona, IA 50009

Background:  Wing Nutt has been around since June of 2016, which makes it one of the newest breweries in the metro.  I attempted to visit several times last summer, but could never figure out the damn hours.  Which wouldn’t be a big deal now, but was somewhat annoying when I lived half an hour away.  After several misfires and no discernable schedule, I gave up trying to visit.  At least until I moved to Altoona.

Being small and relatively new, Wing Nutt serves a number of taps from other more established breweries.  Confluence, Boone Valley and Peace Tree are a few I’ve noticed on rotation.

Sound familiar?  If not, go back and read my blog.


Décor:  I’ve called past breweries “inconspicuous.”  Wing Nutt brings that to a new level.   Tucked in a small strip mall neighboring an Anytime Fitness and generic dentist, this combination tap house-brewery would never be noticed unless you were diligently seeking it out.  The interior is modest, with nine bar stools and 11 tables providing plenty of options for seating.  A ceiling-mounted projector was showing college basketball.

The decorations are a jumble of hipster stereotypes: coffee bean bags, odd paintings, an old bicycle and tables made out of tire rims.  However, there were also decidedly unhipster adornments: American flags, old rugs and an surprising amount of blank wall space.  It’s like Wing Nutt is trying to give off a craft brewery vibe without off-putting the traditionalist middle-aged crowd.  That’s a fine line to walk.

The music was a hodgepodge, to say the least.  Wing Nutt has one of those new-fangled “Rockbot” music players.  It’s kind of like a jukebox for millennials.  However, whomever set the playlist was clearly not a millennial.  Songs ranged the gambit from Florida Georgia Line and Whitney Houston to Prince and Breaking Benjamin.  Which is fine, but I’ve been a few times where it exclusively played modern country and Ke$ha.  Safe to say I only stayed for one beer that day.  Clearly Wing Nutt is haphazardly playing to the 20-year range of visitors, without knowing what really works.  Or the bartender put the thing on autopilot.  Speaking of which…


Staff:  One bartender was working when I visited Sunday afternoon.  A middle-aged man with a mustache and Wing Nutt t-shirt, he was pleasant and greeted me upon entry (granted there were only 7 people in the bar at that time).  I asked for a flight, and he oddly suggested a number of guest beers.  This struck me as strange: wouldn’t a brewery recommend their own beers first?  Since I had tried most of his previous recommendations, I asked for house beers.  He wisely asked which styles I preferred, to which I gave him a “green light” to run the spectrum.  He promptly poured me four flight glasses and opened a tab.

Something I thought was interesting was a young teenager playing darts by himself when I entered.  It turns out said teenager was the bartender’s son.  I guess there are worse places to be when your dad brings you to work.  The son sat by me for a solid hour, but was glued to his phone.

No problem.  I was glued to my laptop.


Patrons:  One thing I’ve noticed about Wing Nutt: it’s never busy.  I’m surprised when more than ten people are there.  But when people are present, they usually match the same description—older couples.  What constitutes older?  Somewhere between 30 and 50.  But what really sticks out are those accompanying the patrons: children.  Of all things, Wing Nutt is a family-friendly brewery.  The foosball table and dart board are usually occupied by elementary-aged children.  I suppose mom and dad would like a drink, but don’t want to bring the kids to some dingy dive bar where there’s nothing to do.

Their loss.  Dive bars are awesome.

Most breweries have a “game shelf” where bored patrons can play a second-hand board or card game to pass the time.  People take advantage of this much more at Wing Nutt than any other brewery I’ve visited.  On today’s visit, a 30-something couple was playing cribbage, five 40-somethings were playing a board game, and a 30-something father and his daughter were playing go-fish.  A couple with a newborn seated behind me discussed adopting a golden-doodle puppy and Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom.

One thing you won’t find at Wing Nutt is young single people.

Oh well, I’m working anyway.

Food:  Nada.  Wing Nutt advertises take-out menus for local restaurants, but doesn’t serve any food.  Unless you count the pretzels used to cleanse one’s pallet.  You’re welcome to bring your own food.  The people behind me brought in bags of chips to share.

Beer:  Nine beers and one cider were available on tap, only five of which were brewed on-site.  I decided to try four of the five house beers, mostly because I’d tried most of the guest beers already.



#1- Uncomma Stout-Chocolate Stout

ABV: 6.4%

Mmmm.  This jet black brew was a safe but innovative take on the traditional chocolate stout.  It tasted more bitter than your run-of-the-mill stout, but from an agreeable aftertaste of dark chocolate.  When I think of stouts, I usually think heavy, easy drinking and smooth.  While the Uncomma was easy to drink, the alcohol was higher than a traditional stout (Guinness is only about 4%), and not as sweet as say a milk stout.  I imagine this beer was brewed with simplicity in mind, but seasoned drinkers will taste slightly more complexity than they are used to.

#2-Betrunken-Belgian Stout

ABV: 6.8%

Ah, Belgian beer.  The bane of my father’s taste buds.

“I never really understood spiced beer.”

Dark brown with fringes of amber from the light, this “spiced beer” didn’t taste overly mulled.  The stout half of its pedigree was emphasized more than traditional Belgian zestiness.  Aside from that, the beer was kind of boring.  Don’t get me wrong—it tasted fine.  But sip after sip left me wondering what I was drinking.  I don’t feel compelled to try the Betrunken again.  Which kind of defeats the “drinkability” purpose of a boring beer

I’d skip this one.

#3-Cherri On My Wayward Son-Cherry Smoked Rye

ABV: 5.6%

There’ll be peace when you are done.  If you can finish this beer.

Fruit flavored beers are always tricky. Too much flavor and you get a pucker-worthy radler.  Too little flavor and your beer becomes boring.  I usually prefer subtle fruit flavors, such as Fox Brewing’s Zorro (lime-infused wheat).  The Wayward Son lived up to its name—undisciplined and immature.  Far from the tart cherry after taste I was expecting, I couldn’t pick up any notes of cherry whatsoever.

Wait!  There it is!

Never mind.  That was just some backwash from lunch.

So if your cherry smoked rye doesn’t have cherry, it should at least have a smoky flavor, right?  I couldn’t detect that either.  Most smoked beers are overpowering, and taste like bacon.  The Wayward Son certainly didn’t taste like bacon, but didn’t have a subtle aftertaste of smoke either.  What did I taste?  Awkward bitterness.  Not the same lingering bitterness of a well-hopped IPA, but the bitterness of a confused rye beer with an identity crisis.

Don’t you cry no more.  You don’t have to finish it.

#4-3.5-Pale Ale

ABV: 5.6%

While the Wayward Son was awkwardly bitter, the 3.5 provided a pleasant dose of hops more refreshing than harsh.  This pleasant pale ale had a fresh floral scent and light taste, complemented by its bubbly amarillo appearance.  This would be a great beer for people who like hops but like to slowly nurse several beers throughout the evening.  I don’t care much for pale ales, but this was a solid beer.  You won’t be blown away by it, but you’ll probably appreciate it.

Bill:  My flight of four beers came to a total of $7.  Which isn’t bad.  And pints are only $4.75, which is a tad cheaper than the average brewery’s $5 pint.  In terms of value, Wing Nutt is a solid place to get a drink.  Especially when you consider you can drink several other major breweries for less than you would at their tap rooms, all in one place.

The Verdict: Wing Nutt is my local brewery, so I am compelled to like it.  That being said, the beer isn’t anything special.  It isn’t terrible either, but you’re probably not coming for a ground-breaking beer anyway.  Wing Nutt knows its niche: a family-friendly brewery for people who don’t like the generic bar scene.  More established breweries like Confluence may have larger selections and more visitors, but Wing Nutt doesn’t care.  Why else would they serve Confluence?  Wing Nutt knows that its strong suit is a quiet place to play cards, have a conversation and enjoy a higher echelon of beer, brewed on-site or elsewhere.

I’ll continue coming to Wing Nutt because it is quiet and modest.  If you find yourself in Altoona, I suggest checking out this humble microbrewery.  I’ll see you there.


Bible thoughts I don’t Share at Bible Study

A friend (aka Veggie Tales) invited me to her Bible study last week.  It’s been a while since Catholic school, but I figured cracking open a Bible in good company would be a constructive use of my time.  Especially compared to drinking beer and playing MMORPGs in my underwear.

Just kidding.  I ran out of underwear.

Safe to say, it has been an adjustment articulating my thoughts to the people in the group.  While my input is received with support and understanding, I can’t help but feel some of my thoughts are too unpolished to share.  Granted I keep attending Bible study, I will share more and more of my insights.  But for those that remain too crude, I will post them here for your…consideration.  Feel free to look up the verses for context.

The Birth of John the Baptist Foretold

Luke 1:18-20, 34-35 How come Mary questions the angel and nothing happens, but when Zechariah questions the same angel he is cursed with muteness?  Seems like a dick move on Gabriel’s part.

The Birth of Jesus Foretold

Luke 1:36 Mary and Elizabeth are cousins.  And Mary’s like 13.  So Elizabeth can’t be that old.  She’s probably 19 and people think it’s a damn miracle she can still have a child.

Zechariah’s Song

Luke 1:67 Now he’s singing?  I changed my mind.  Gabriel should have left him mute.

The Birth of Jesus

Luke 2:8 What’s the modern-day equivalent of a shepherd?  Mall cop?  Parking lot attendant?

Jesus Presented in the Temple

Luke 2:24 Who asks for sacrificial pigeons?  And would you catch them by hand, or was there a pigeon monger?

Luke 2:29 That would be great if Simeon died right as he said that.  Just dropped dead as he was holding up infant Jesus.

The Genealogy of Jesus

Luke 3:28 The name “Er” honestly bothers me the most out of all of these names.  And I’m pretty sure there’s a dude named “Salmon.”

Luke 3:32 Yep.  There’s Salmon.

*Illegible* Oh FUCK!  I just spilled my drink all over the Bible!


That last part actually did happen.  My friend let me borrow her Bible, and I promptly spilled hot liquid on it.  But things can only improve from there, right?


Trump Taps Petting Zoo Goat as Top Cabinet Nominee

ALTOONA-In a move political scientists are calling “an olive branch to Senate Democrats,” President Donald Trump announced Thursday night his nomination of a petting zoo goat to undisclosed cabinet leadership positions.

“He’s THE best pick.” Said President Trump during the evening press conference.  “He’s so good, I’m not even sure what agency he should lead.  It might be two.  I don’t know.”

Amy Klobuchar, Senate Democrat and a vocal critic of President Trump’s past nominees, showed strong support for the goat’s nomination.

“Finally, President Trump shows he is capable of cabinet picks that go beyond conservative posturing.  This nominee is a welcome break from the President’s highly questionable usual candidates.”

The goat, whom President Trump met at Happy Acres Petting Zoo and Corn Maze during a brief break while campaigning, is little known outside his home state of Iowa.

“Billy is a hometown kid.” Said Carl Adkins, owner of Happy Acres and the goat’s lifetime employer. “He was born here two years ago, and has been a hit ever since.”

Carl paused momentarily, spitting tobacco into a Busch Light can.

“Wanna feed him?”

Billy is seen by many as a political outsider without the baggage of career candidates.  His confirmation hearing is expected to be substantially less divisive than those of President Trump’s other nominees.

“He’s relatively new to the political arena, so there aren’t many skeletons that could come up during the hearing.”  Said longtime Republican Senator John McCain.  “He seemed to be thinking of headbutting Ben Carson the other day.  But honestly, who hasn’t thought of that?”

While unassuming, political experts warn that Billy is not without controversy.

“His thought processes are much like Donald Trump’s,” said UC-Berkley professor of political science Dr. Richard Maikov, “but he has also demonstrated a willingness break with the President’s policies.”

Last week, members of the Des Moines Women’s March confronted Billy with a list of Trump’s “First 100 Days” priorities, demanding to know if he would support them.  In a move made viral through social media, Billy grabbed the list and began eating it.

“That kind of defiance could energize Moderates,” said Dr. Maikov, “if any actually existed.”

Congressional hearings are scheduled to resume next week, with Billy’s hearing beginning Wednesday morning.

It Never Snows in North Altoona

I’m not dead yet, although you wouldn’t know that by reading my blog.  For that I apologize.  Hopefully this post will be a step in the right direction.  Considering classes start up again tomorrow, I highly doubt that.  But let’s be optimistic.

You also wouldn’t know by reading my blog that I’ve moved.  Well, I guess technically now you do.  I moved from the farmhouse back in December (so much nostalgia—I still hurl boots at anything that makes the slightest noise in the night.  Poor fridge.).  Where have I moved to you ask?  A very nice apartment in a northeast suburb of Des Moines.  This suburb, Altoona, is the equivalent of Shakopee back in Minnesota.  I live across the street from the race track, down the road from the casino, about a mile from a theme park, and within five minutes of anything you could ever possibly want to buy.

Except brewery supplies.  Gotta hoof it to West Des Moines for those.

Anyways, by all respects my apartment in Altoona should be a blessing compared to Runnells.  I have a no pests, the heat functions, I have a dishwasher, internet, and cable.  And I’m surrounded by people and don’t have to plan my trips to the city.  Great, right?

I was listening to the oldies station the other day when a relatively inconspicuous song caught my attention.  All of a sudden I started adding my own lyrics to it, and guess what?  They were about Altoona.

I’ll let the music speak for my new home.


Sung to the tune of “It Never Rains in Southern California,” by Albert Hammond and Mike Hazlewood

I highly suggest (and encourage) playing a karoke version of this while singing.  You will sing and not just read, right?


It Never Snows in North Altoona

Got on board a northbound Chevy ’07

Didn’t think before deciding where to move

Ooh, that talk of furnished efficiencies, friends living above me

Rang true, sure rang true…


Seems it never snows in northern Altoona

Seems suburban winters can’t erase my woes

It never snows in north Altoona, but girl, don’t they warn ya?

It blows, man, it blows


When off from work, I’m out of my head

Highlight of the day was buying bread

My love prospect’s deader than dead, so this is my home?

It never snows in north Altoona, but girl, don’t they warn ya?

It blows, man, it blows


Will you tell the folks back home this place is a hit?

So much to do if you only stay awake

Please don’t tell ’em how you found me

Passed out at the brewery

Gimme a break, give me a break


Seems it never snows in northern Altoona

Seems suburban winters can’t erase my woes

It never snows in north Altoona, but girl, don’t they warn ya?

It blows, man, it blows


P.S. It snowed today.  Have a good evening!

Runnells GDP Shrinks 64% Following Exodus of Two 20-somethings

RUNNELLS-In a major blow to the local economy, Runnells City Hall reported Wednesday the city’s GDP had contracted by nearly two-thirds this quarter.  Economists suggest the loss is tied to the recent move of two 20-somethings from the Runnells area.

“We didn’t realize how important these kids were until they left.” Said Runnells Mayor Jerry Lane, who was visiting Casey’s General Store to buy scratch-offs.  “Normally we get asshats who buy chapstick and WD-40 to break a $100, but things have definitely changed.”  The local Casey’s noticed a substantial rise in pizza sales when the female 20-something took a part-time job.  Prior, the store’s primary sellers had been Fireball-brand whiskey and Busch Light 30-packs.

The feeling was echoed at the Runnells Library, where board member Tammy Enos was still processing the loss.  “We’d go days without anyone visiting.  Then this young girl walks in, and within hours residents of ten plus years are walking in, commenting how they never knew this was a library.”  Taking a sip of her coffee, Tammy continued.  “We saw a slight dip when this weirdo wearing a sling started coming in, but the trend is ultimately up.”

More popular establishments also noticed better business with the young residents.  Cliff King, owner of Runnells Inn, praised the boom the young blood brought.

“We’d get the same guys in here day after day, ordering the same thing.” Said Cliff, who ignored a 20-something timidly trying to order from the bar.  “All of a sudden this girl walks in, and people take notice and start buying more drinks.  It was great.”

Sighing, Cliff shook his head.  “I don’t know what we’ll do without those two.”

“Don’t worry, Cliff,” said the 20-something seated at the bar.  “I still visit on weekends.”

Cliff waved his hand dismissively at the man.

“Who the hell are you?”

Low Point in Road that Broke Man’s Clavicle to be Tried as Pothole

RUNNELLS- In a stunning defeat for the defense team, District Court Judge Robert Hutchison ruled Friday that the low point accused of breaking a local bicyclist’s clavicle will be tried as a pothole.  “This is not a decision I make lightly,” announced Hutchinson.  “But given the malicious intent of the alleged crime and the low point’s pattern of criminal behavior, I believe the only option is to try it as a pothole.”

According to court filings, the depression allegedly attacked an unsuspecting local resident who was biking along Vandalia Drive last Saturday.  The attack resulted in multiple fractures to the man’s right clavicle and pride.  The identity of the victim has not been released; a common practice when victims sustains pathetic injuries.

From the start, the prosecution argued the depression’s criminal past invalidated trial under a lesser justice system.  “This is not an isolated incident.”  Said lead prosecutor Frank Golder.  “The depression has shown a pattern of repeat behavior.  If it cannot be rehabilitated, it must be tried as a pothole for the safety of my client and the public.”

Johnathan Philbeck, head of the defense team, was visibly upset by the ruling. “We are very disappointed by this unmerited decision.  Judge Hutchinson conveniently forgets the years our client acted as a public road for the benefit of the community.”

The trial is scheduled to continue Tuesday morning.  The low point will be kept under an orange traffic cone until court resumes.

Recovery of Henslow’s Sparrow Attributed to Grassland Management, Seething Desire for Revenge

MONROE-After years of careful grassland management and a seething desire for revenge, Henslow’s Sparrow populations are slowly rebounding in central Iowa.

The tallgrass prairie bird, known for hiding in dense cover and holding grudges for generations, has been monitored by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service as a “Species of Management Concern” since 1995.

“Habitat loss was a significant problem for Henslow’s,” said local ornithologist Dr. Walter Carrington.  “They need large, undisturbed tracks of grassland for nesting and incubating their bitter malevolence.”

For the past two decades, biologists have limited haying and burning of grasslands during the breeding season.

“By carefully limiting grassland disturbance, we saw increased nest success and threatening glares.  Within five years, Henslow calls were becoming more frequent.  Although the heavy breathing and hanging up did start to get annoying.”

Dr. Carrington estimates that by 2020, the bird’s boiling need for retribution will have propelled populations back to stable levels.

“I’m happy to say Henslow’s Sparrows are coming back.  And their long-awaited vengeance will be swift.”