Bible Thoughts I Don’t Share at Bible Study #2

Jesus is Tested in the Wilderness

Luke 4:3 – The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”

Seems legit.

Luke 4:9-11 – The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written:  ‘He will command his angels concerning you  to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”

Did Satan just quote scripture?

*Looks up passage*

He did!  He quoted Psalm 91:10-11!

Glad to hear Satan is well-read.

Jesus Rejected at Nazareth

Luke 4:20 – Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down.

Mic drop.

Luke 4:28-30 – All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

I don’t get it.  If he’s the one they’re chasing to the end of the cliff, how the hell did he walk right through the crowd and go on his way?  Is this an easter egg miracle? Can you have an easter egg if easter wasn’t a thing yet?

Jesus Drives Out an Impure Spirit

Luke 4:33 – In the synagogue there was a man possessed by a demon, an impure spirit. He cried out at the top of his voice, “Go away! What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!”

Did anyone else read the demon’s voice as Jack Black?

Jesus Heals Many

Luke 4:38-39 – Jesus left the synagogue and went to the home of Simon. Now Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Jesus to help her.  So he bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them.

So he bent over her and whispered, “More cowbell.”

Luke 4:42-43 – At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them. But he said, “I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.”

This reminds me of the scene from “Jesus Christ: Superstar.”

Discussions

“One of the things I’m looking forward to in heaven is being able to see the Bible in real time.”     -Veggie Tales

“Like a movie?” -J-Tay

“Yeah!” -Veggie Tales

Everyone will just bitch that the book was better.

 

“The desert wasn’t the only time Jesus was tempted.” – J-Tay

Here’s lookin’ at you, Mary Magdalene.

 

“Have you heard of people who color-code passages in their Bible?” -Veggie Tales

I just spill different crap on mine.

Crouching Coward, Hidden Nut Cup

As much fun as I’ve been having in Iowa, I feel man cannot live on beer alone.  Sooner or later, I will need to find a hobby beyond breweries.  While I hope that day is far off, I have begun making a list of alternative things to do with my time.  One of the top things: martial arts.

My friend Luke has been trying to convince me to do a martial art for some time now.  Luke, if you do not know, does Jiu Jitsu.  Since I do not fully understand what Jiu Jitsu entails, I decided to interview him on the subject matter.  So join us as we learn more about Jiu Jitsu, and decide if it is right for Patrick!

Jiu Jitsu Master Luke

“Thanks for joining us, Luke.”

Yeah man.  Always happy to talk about the Gentle Art.

“Why do you practice Jiu Jitsu?”

It gives me a release from the day to day, a calm so to speak. It gives me confidence in my everyday life.

“That does sound gentle.”

It’s something that I am good at. Ever since I started doing Jiu Jitsu, I’ve been excited to get out of bed.

“Is it good for self-defense?”

Yes, especially in Minnesota’s cold winters.

“I don’t understand.”

We train in a gi, the thing karate nerds wear.  It’s basically a really thick, heavy robe.

“Damn karate nerds.”

This is a good simulation for someone who is wearing heavy clothes like a jacket or a sweatshirt in the winter.

“I’ve often feared robed men attacking me while I shovel.”

Another reason is because it doesn’t really mark up your aggressor, so it is easier to convince a judge that what you did was out of self-defense.

“So long as it emotionally scars them, I’m all for it.”

You should do Jiu-Jitsu.

“Why?”

Let me ask you this: what’s the worst thing that could happen?  You tap.

“I recall last week you told me about a guy passing out and urinating himself.”

At least he didn’t tap.

“Thanks for joining us, Luke.”

 

After interviewing Luke, I still wasn’t convinced Jiu-Jitsu was the right martial art for me.  Taking advantage of my friend network, I decided to interview a few other experts on self-defense.  Maybe their styles would be more of a match.

Brace yourselves, people.  This blog post is not Uncle Ricky approved.  In fact, if your last name ends with an “I,” you should probably skip this altogether.  You have been warned.

And now, an interview with self-defense guru “Capital G.”

“Welcome, Capital G.”

Hello.

“Capital G, what qualifies you as an authority on self-defense?”

I’m a Restoration Tech.

“Care to elaborate on that?”

No.

“Okay.  How would you incapacitate, disable, defeat or otherwise avoid an attacker?”

That sounds dangerous. 

“Yes.  So what do you think?”

Nudity.

“Great start.  How could you stop an attacker without using violence or bare flesh?”

Mutilated puppies.

“Any particular breed?”

Yellow labs.

“How about physically overcoming an opponent?”

Castration generally works.

“And what if you don’t have a weapon?”

You have teeth.

“Sound advice.  Still, many older people may not have their original teeth.  We should keep that in mind.”

That’s probably for the best.

“Anyway, any last-second self-defense tips for our readers back home?”

Soggy drywall is terrible for self-defense but great for intimidation.

“Excellent.  Thanks for joining us, Capital G.”

 

Next, we have an exclusive interview with Crazy Cat Lady Luna

“Thanks for joining us.”

This is more important than work.

“So Crazy Cat Lady Luna, what qualifies you to be a self-defense authority?”

I took cardio kickboxing for four years.  Even though it was more about cardio and not really about the kickboxing, I still got a lot of practice kicking and punching and kneeing.

“I assume in the balls?”

I’m pretty sure I could kick someone in the face.

“Any other credentials?

I also took a one-day self-defense class in middle school where I learned to repeatedly scream “NO!” while hand-pecking someone in the eyes.

“How would you incapacitate, disable, avoid or otherwise defeat an attacker?”

Well I would definitely defeat my attacker.  The other three options are unacceptable.

“What’s your strategy?”

It would probably start with a food-related distraction.  Then while my attacker is stuffing his greedy face I’d scream “NO!” and peck his eyes out.

“So food and eye pecking?”

That’s really all you need.  Maybe in advance I’d train a bird to do the pecking and then just Stark Style pull my giant sword out and chop off his head.

“Winter is coming.  How would you stop an attacker without using violence?”

Good addendum.  I would offer an attacker one of my fresh baked cookies.

“Who could resist those?”

But it would be laced with sleeping powder.

“And gluten.  Lord knows that’s a deterrent.  What about physically overcoming an opponent?”

I could koala-bear them.  It’s pretty hard to move when you’re being koala-beared.  And then press that pressure point that makes people pass out. 

“I like that plan.  Any last-second self-defense tips for our readers?

Game of Thrones.

“Wonderful having you, Crazy Cat Lady Luna.”

 

Maybe I’ll stick to beer.