Crouching Coward, Hidden Nut Cup

As much fun as I’ve been having in Iowa, I feel man cannot live on beer alone.  Sooner or later, I will need to find a hobby beyond breweries.  While I hope that day is far off, I have begun making a list of alternative things to do with my time.  One of the top things: martial arts.

My friend Luke has been trying to convince me to do a martial art for some time now.  Luke, if you do not know, does Jiu Jitsu.  Since I do not fully understand what Jiu Jitsu entails, I decided to interview him on the subject matter.  So join us as we learn more about Jiu Jitsu, and decide if it is right for Patrick!

Jiu Jitsu Master Luke

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“Thanks for joining us, Luke.”

Yeah man.  Always happy to talk about the Gentle Art.

“Why do you practice Jiu Jitsu?”

It gives me a release from the day to day, a calm so to speak. It gives me confidence in my everyday life.

“That does sound gentle.”

It’s something that I am good at. Ever since I started doing Jiu Jitsu, I’ve been excited to get out of bed.

“Is it good for self-defense?”

Yes, especially in Minnesota’s cold winters.

“I don’t understand.”

We train in a gi, the thing karate nerds wear.  It’s basically a really thick, heavy robe.

“Damn karate nerds.”

This is a good simulation for someone who is wearing heavy clothes like a jacket or a sweatshirt in the winter.

“I’ve often feared robed men attacking me while I shovel.”

Another reason is because it doesn’t really mark up your aggressor, so it is easier to convince a judge that what you did was out of self-defense.

“So long as it emotionally scars them, I’m all for it.”

You should do Jiu-Jitsu.


Let me ask you this: what’s the worst thing that could happen?  You tap.

“I recall last week you told me about a guy passing out and urinating himself.”

At least he didn’t tap.

“Thanks for joining us, Luke.”


After interviewing Luke, I still wasn’t convinced Jiu-Jitsu was the right martial art for me.  Taking advantage of my friend network, I decided to interview a few other experts on self-defense.  Maybe their styles would be more of a match.

Brace yourselves, people.  This blog post is not Uncle Ricky approved.  In fact, if your last name ends with an “I,” you should probably skip this altogether.  You have been warned.

And now, an interview with self-defense guru “Capital G.”


“Welcome, Capital G.”


“Capital G, what qualifies you as an authority on self-defense?”

I’m a Restoration Tech.

“Care to elaborate on that?”


“Okay.  How would you incapacitate, disable, defeat or otherwise avoid an attacker?”

That sounds dangerous. 

“Yes.  So what do you think?”


“Great start.  How could you stop an attacker without using violence or bare flesh?”

Mutilated puppies.

“Any particular breed?”

Yellow labs.

“How about physically overcoming an opponent?”

Castration generally works.

“And what if you don’t have a weapon?”

You have teeth.

“Sound advice.  Still, many older people may not have their original teeth.  We should keep that in mind.”

That’s probably for the best.

“Anyway, any last-second self-defense tips for our readers back home?”

Soggy drywall is terrible for self-defense but great for intimidation.

“Excellent.  Thanks for joining us, Capital G.”


Next, we have an exclusive interview with Crazy Cat Lady Luna


“Thanks for joining us.”

This is more important than work.

“So Crazy Cat Lady Luna, what qualifies you to be a self-defense authority?”

I took cardio kickboxing for four years.  Even though it was more about cardio and not really about the kickboxing, I still got a lot of practice kicking and punching and kneeing.

“I assume in the balls?”

I’m pretty sure I could kick someone in the face.

“Any other credentials?

I also took a one-day self-defense class in middle school where I learned to repeatedly scream “NO!” while hand-pecking someone in the eyes.

“How would you incapacitate, disable, avoid or otherwise defeat an attacker?”

Well I would definitely defeat my attacker.  The other three options are unacceptable.

“What’s your strategy?”

It would probably start with a food-related distraction.  Then while my attacker is stuffing his greedy face I’d scream “NO!” and peck his eyes out.

“So food and eye pecking?”

That’s really all you need.  Maybe in advance I’d train a bird to do the pecking and then just Stark Style pull my giant sword out and chop off his head.

“Winter is coming.  How would you stop an attacker without using violence?”

Good addendum.  I would offer an attacker one of my fresh baked cookies.

“Who could resist those?”

But it would be laced with sleeping powder.

“And gluten.  Lord knows that’s a deterrent.  What about physically overcoming an opponent?”

I could koala-bear them.  It’s pretty hard to move when you’re being koala-beared.  And then press that pressure point that makes people pass out. 

“I like that plan.  Any last-second self-defense tips for our readers?

Game of Thrones.

“Wonderful having you, Crazy Cat Lady Luna.”


Maybe I’ll stick to beer.


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